Here For Your Miracle and Carpentry Needs

Verily, I say unto thee, follow my fuckin' blog, lest a plague of frogs rain down upon thy head. Custom cabinets may take longer.

Apr 23
GPOY Last Sunday.

GPOY Last Sunday.


Ladies, you will never experience the joy that is walking into the bathroom at a restaurant, seeing the urinal filled with ice cubes, and then melting as much as you can with your stream.

Guys, am I right?


Apr 22
sillylillynincompoop:

fuckyeahjeebus

You found it! Shit. I thought that part of my life was past me. I was young. I needed money and fast. Don’t judge me.
That’s my job…

sillylillynincompoop:

fuckyeahjeebus

You found it! Shit. I thought that part of my life was past me. I was young. I needed money and fast. Don’t judge me.

That’s my job…


Apr 21

This one’s for the ladies.

I drove by a sign at an auto repair shop yesterday. I couldn’t take a picture of it then, and it’s been changed as of today. But the sign read as follows:

Exposure to the “Son” prevents burning.”

Sounds logical to Me. I’m Jeebus. The “Son” in question. So you know what you have to do.

Expose yourselves to Me, ladies.


Apr 18

Good Friday, Not-So-Good Five.

  1. I saw something this morning that I have not seen in eons—a moped. Specifically, I was driving next to a guy on an old moped. For those of you youngsters out there, a “moped” is like what a scooter would be to you these days. The difference, is that you started out by pedaling, just like a bicycle. Then you would kick on the engine and get yourself up to a cruising speed of about 30mph. So yes, it is a motorcycle that you also pedal. It made me feel old seeing that. Now get off my lawn.
  2. Seeing the moped started me thinking about some of my childhood toys and items—things no one will remember these days. Remember Pee-Chee folders? Big Wheel and the Green Machine? Stompers 4x4 toy cars? Good times. Now get off my lawn.
  3. I never had to take any sort of driver’s ed as a kid. I just went in for the written exam at 15 years, 9 months old, got my learner’s permit, and three months later, on my 16th birthday, I took the driving test and got my license. Maybe that explains why I had so many accidents as a teen driver. Now get off my lawn.
  4. I had a black and white television in my room as a teenager. It had rabbit ears to pick up UHF signals, and you had to get up to change the channel or to turn it off. Shocking, I know. Now get off my lawn. 
  5. Seriously, I’m old. Now get off my goddamned lawn!

Apr 17

dustinupstate:

curlicuecal:

This is the best thing I have ever seen.

Take the time.

For the love of all that is holy, you need to click on this link. And have about eight straight hours to kill. I can’t stop reading and laughing when I’m supposed to be working.

(via caraisasailor)


Apr 16
Fuck you, Monday-disguised-as-Wednesday. I’m so over you already.

Fuck you, Monday-disguised-as-Wednesday. I’m so over you already.


Apr 15

femalescientistintraining:

Frozen - Breaking Bad


You see this thing? You see this fucking thing?!?
It mocks me. Daily.
I’m the only person with a thermostat in the office. You can see I have it set to a comfortable 75 degrees Fahrenheit (that’s nearly 24 degrees Celsius to my non-American friends). So I ought to be nice and snug and content, right?
Wrong. The fucking thing is apparently just for show. It doesn’t work. It never has. So on a day like today when, for some inexplicable reason, it is 87 goddamned dickgrees in here (30.5 dickgrees Celsius), I can do nothing to rectify the situation. Likewise, on the days it’s a friggin’ meat locker in here, I can’t make it any warmer. So here I sit, sweating balls, and there’s snow and ice on the fucking ground outside. 
And yet I still have to wear pants. Apparently there’s this whole “sexual harassment” thing around here, where some people might be offended if I’m pants-free. So sweat lodge setting it is.
I hate you, thermostat, you son of a whore.

You see this thing? You see this fucking thing?!?

It mocks me. Daily.

I’m the only person with a thermostat in the office. You can see I have it set to a comfortable 75 degrees Fahrenheit (that’s nearly 24 degrees Celsius to my non-American friends). So I ought to be nice and snug and content, right?

Wrong. The fucking thing is apparently just for show. It doesn’t work. It never has. So on a day like today when, for some inexplicable reason, it is 87 goddamned dickgrees in here (30.5 dickgrees Celsius), I can do nothing to rectify the situation. Likewise, on the days it’s a friggin’ meat locker in here, I can’t make it any warmer. So here I sit, sweating balls, and there’s snow and ice on the fucking ground outside. 

And yet I still have to wear pants. Apparently there’s this whole “sexual harassment” thing around here, where some people might be offended if I’m pants-free. So sweat lodge setting it is.

I hate you, thermostat, you son of a whore.


Apr 14

One of my pet peeves is when I do something that’s already one of my other pet peeves. 


Apr 11
Dammit. 23 minutes too late. Story of my life. 

Dammit. 23 minutes too late. Story of my life. 


Friday Five

Here are my five favorite jokes about Me, in reverse order—because I’m Jeebus, and I can:

5. What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

4. Why do girls love Jesus so much? Because they know He’ll come again. 

3. Why does Jesus suck at hockey? He’s constantly getting nailed to the boards. 

2. Why can’t Jesus eat M&Ms? They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

1. Jesus was up on the cross, and a crowd was watching, including his disciples. Suddenly, Jesus yells out, “Peter! PETER!” Peter tries to break through the ranks of the guards, but is held back. This happens a few more times, with Peter being held back each time. Finally, as death is near, Jesus yells out one more time, “PETER! PETER!” This time Peter breaks through the guards and runs up to the cross. “My Lord, it is I, Peter.” Jesus says, “Peter!” “Yes, Lord?” Peter replies. Jesus says, “Peter! Peter! I can see your house from up here!”

You’re all probably going to Hell now for reading these. I was going to post these next Friday, but I thought that might be a bit blasphemous. 


Apr 10

Would someone teach me the fine art of Ninja-Camming?

Over the last few days, I have been witness to: a gargantuan-sized bronze pig in the back of a pickup truck; an extremely hot woman picking her nose in public (I’m talking like two knuckles deep); and a man shaving his head while driving. 

How do you do it?


Apr 9
You’re welcome for the ear bug. 

You’re welcome for the ear bug. 


Apr 8

5sensesreeling:

I can’t believe we can go to college online and have virtual sex with strangers halfway across the world and yet there are still people that smell like moth balls.

A sage piece of wisdom, if I do say so myself. And I do.


Page 1 of 15