Verily, I say unto thee, follow my fuckin' blog, lest a plague of frogs rain down upon thy head. Custom cabinets may take longer.
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Ladies, you will never experience the joy that is walking into the bathroom at a restaurant, seeing the urinal filled with ice cubes, and then melting as much as you can with your stream.
Guys, am I right?
This one’s for the ladies.
I drove by a sign at an auto repair shop yesterday. I couldn’t take a picture of it then, and it’s been changed as of today. But the sign read as follows:
Exposure to the “Son” prevents burning.”
Sounds logical to Me. I’m Jeebus. The “Son” in question. So you know what you have to do.
Expose yourselves to Me, ladies.
Good Friday, Not-So-Good Five.
- I saw something this morning that I have not seen in eons—a moped. Specifically, I was driving next to a guy on an old moped. For those of you youngsters out there, a “moped” is like what a scooter would be to you these days. The difference, is that you started out by pedaling, just like a bicycle. Then you would kick on the engine and get yourself up to a cruising speed of about 30mph. So yes, it is a motorcycle that you also pedal. It made me feel old seeing that. Now get off my lawn.
- Seeing the moped started me thinking about some of my childhood toys and items—things no one will remember these days. Remember Pee-Chee folders? Big Wheel and the Green Machine? Stompers 4x4 toy cars? Good times. Now get off my lawn.
- I never had to take any sort of driver’s ed as a kid. I just went in for the written exam at 15 years, 9 months old, got my learner’s permit, and three months later, on my 16th birthday, I took the driving test and got my license. Maybe that explains why I had so many accidents as a teen driver. Now get off my lawn.
- I had a black and white television in my room as a teenager. It had rabbit ears to pick up UHF signals, and you had to get up to change the channel or to turn it off. Shocking, I know. Now get off my lawn.
- Seriously, I’m old. Now get off my goddamned lawn!
One of my pet peeves is when I do something that’s already one of my other pet peeves.
Here are my five favorite jokes about Me, in reverse order—because I’m Jeebus, and I can:
5. What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
4. Why do girls love Jesus so much? Because they know He’ll come again.
3. Why does Jesus suck at hockey? He’s constantly getting nailed to the boards.
2. Why can’t Jesus eat M&Ms? They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
1. Jesus was up on the cross, and a crowd was watching, including his disciples. Suddenly, Jesus yells out, “Peter! PETER!” Peter tries to break through the ranks of the guards, but is held back. This happens a few more times, with Peter being held back each time. Finally, as death is near, Jesus yells out one more time, “PETER! PETER!” This time Peter breaks through the guards and runs up to the cross. “My Lord, it is I, Peter.” Jesus says, “Peter!” “Yes, Lord?” Peter replies. Jesus says, “Peter! Peter! I can see your house from up here!”
You’re all probably going to Hell now for reading these. I was going to post these next Friday, but I thought that might be a bit blasphemous.
Would someone teach me the fine art of Ninja-Camming?
Over the last few days, I have been witness to: a gargantuan-sized bronze pig in the back of a pickup truck; an extremely hot woman picking her nose in public (I’m talking like two knuckles deep); and a man shaving his head while driving.
How do you do it?
I can’t believe we can go to college online and have virtual sex with strangers halfway across the world and yet there are still people that smell like moth balls.
A sage piece of wisdom, if I do say so myself. And I do.